When Stewarding Becomes A Lack Of Trust

Yesterday I found out that someone I have known for several years has cancer, Sarcoma to be specific. We don’t speak anymore but it is someone I knew well and held dear to me. 

When I found out it was like someone had winded me and taken my breathe away. The person is slightly younger than me, and he has Sarcoma. It was not okay with me.

Within the last month there has been a lot of people who have been suffering around me – and when I say suffering I mean deeply suffering; more than any person should ever have to endure. Unwanted babies were being neglected and abandoned whilst others were loosing their baby before even being able to meet them. People were losing their jobs and their homes. People had gone missing, attempted to commit suicide… and now cancer. There has just been too much suffering and it has honestly left me weary. I have had a yearning and aching in my spirit for these people that I cannot put into words, and all that has been able to come out in such moments were tears and slobbery singing amidst terrible piano playing.

I want you to understand me – I’m not yearning and aching because of my own pain at all of this, no. I’m burdened because I see the unnecessary suffering in the world and I see the solution and I see that no one around me wants to turn towards the solution. No one wants to turn toward Jesus.

I’m burdened because I hear about friends I’ve known since I was 13 attempting to commit suicide with no one beside them to show them love, no church body rising up for the people in their community who are being demonically oppressed by such things. I’m burdened because I know this could have been me, or Eloy, had Jesus not invaded our lives this time last year.

I’m burdened because I’ve seen people lose their jobs and their homes because of Covid-19, ending up living on the streets of Dubai in 45 degree heat, and I know that it is only by God’s grace that I was born with white skin and a British passport that I am somewhat immune to the reality of what they suffer because they have darker skin and a different passport. 

I’m burdened because I’ve had to see a mother neglect her son and leave him in the care of another who has no means or desire to look after him. Whilst within the same week, having to sit at the side of a dear friends hospital bed as she lost her baby, feeling an immense loss for words to comfort her in that moment whilst she blamed herself for the trauma she was enduring.

I’m burdened because I’ve seen what cancer has done to a strong man who should, at the young age of 27, be enjoying the fullness of his youth, not battling to see another day. Knowing that unless someone speaks out and speaks up, he may lose his battle here on earth, only to end up in a worse place.

The heaviness of knowing that Jesus truly is the answer that all of these people are unknowingly searching for, yet equally knowing how each of these individuals have rejected Him in order to live in and of this world. Knowing that my God is a miracle working God who gives life abundantly, to the full, and until it overflows, and that it is the enemy comes to kill steal and destroy (John 10:10). Knowing that every single sickness, oppression, or rejection is a scheme of the enemy that is only remedied in Jesus Christ, yet equally knowing that for most of these people, they have been raised with a different belief system that will not allow them to be open to the suggestion that Jesus really is the Messiah. 

It has felt heavy to me to know that these people are not written in the Book of Life, and should their time here be up, the fate that awaits them is an unbearable thought. Knowing that if I keep my mouth closed, if I do not reach out and tell them about the goodness of my God, if I do not say something that will convince them to believe in Jesus, that they may never have another opportunity to have the gospel preached to them.

Yet, in all of this, I am confronted with the reality Jesus tells us to come to Him if we are weary or heavy burdened, and He will give us rest. Jesus tells us to take His yoke upon ourselves because it is easy and his burden is light. In all of this, I am confronted with the realisation that if I am feeling burdened or weary, then I have stepped out of trusting God and stepped into works. I have stepped out of believing that my God is an all knowing, all powerful, miracle working God. I have put constraints on what my God can and cannot do by presuming He needs me to achieve His purpose. His will will be done, with or without me.

A wise friend recently told me that God has a destiny for every single person and there is nothing that you or I can do to hinder God’s plan. Isn’t that incredible? The Word tells us that God will show mercy on who He chooses, harden the hearts of those He chooses, and be gracious to those He chooses (Exodus 33:19, Romans 9:18). This means that whether I say something ‘convincing’ or historically prove that Jesus was who He said He was, or if I physically go, lay hands, and pray over someone or not – God’s will will still be done.

So does this mean I sit back and do nothing? Certainly not. What it means is that I evermore see my need for both wisdom and discernment to guide me along the way. When the Spirit prompts me to speak about Jesus, I must obey and speak about Jesus – for it may be the last opportunity they have to hear His name. However, when the Spirit tells me to pray and intercede for someone but not to reach out and tell them about Jesus, I must also obey. And I must do so with a steadfast trust that my Heavenly Father knows what He is doing in requesting that of me. To take it upon myself to ‘do more’ and ‘convince’ people of their need for salvation is not my role. Some sow, some water but God brings the increase (1 Corinthians 3:6).

Whilst it is good to have a soft heart and be moved by suffering – whilst it is good to pray, intercede, and act – it must be done within God’s will and with the unction of the Spirit. The minute you begin to feel unpeaceful, weary, or heavy you must see that you have stepped out of trusting God to accomplish His perfect will and stepped into works of the flesh – it’s time to repent.